“Hey Ref, There’s Two Teams on the Ice!”

This past weekend, standing up in the stands rather than in my usual spot alone down on the glass in the corner (partly to sit with my family, partly because the rink was PACKED), I heard a few familiar phrases from the crowd.

“Hey ref, there’s two teams on the ice!”

“Let the kids play!”

“The refs decided the outcome of that game!”

And every time I hear those phrases, I cringe. Not because I’m a referee anymore (I’m haven't been for 30 years), and not because I think officials are beyond criticism (they’re definitely not, especially beyond the minor hockey levels), but because these types of statements always reveal something deeper—and uglier—about the state of youth sports.

They’re not just harmless frustration or a way to blow off steam. They’re symptoms of a culture that increasingly tolerates poor sportsmanship, poor coaching, and poor parenting. And they almost always come from people who, if you listen closely, aren’t actually asking for fairness—they're asking for favours.

Let’s break it down.

Translation: "I don’t like the calls that are being made against my team."

Rarely, if ever, is this yelled when both teams are being penalized equally. It’s shouted when one team—often the one taking more infractions—is being penalized more than the other. And it’s rooted in a deep misunderstanding of how the rules of the game work.

Hockey, like all sports, is governed by rules that are applied to individual actions, not team quotas. If one team takes 10 penalties and the other takes 2, it’s not necessarily referee bias—it’s probably because one team broke the rules more often. That’s it. That’s the reality.

The “two teams” line is usually thrown out when parents or coaches feel their team is being hard done by. But instead of asking their players to play cleaner, skate harder, or control their emotions, they deflect the responsibility to the officials.

This is not advocating for fairness. It’s asking for an evening out of calls, regardless of what actually happens on the ice. That’s not sportsmanship—it’s entitlement.

“Let the Kids Play!”

Let’s translate that one too: "Don’t call penalties on my kid."

We’ve all heard it. A tripping penalty? “Let them play.” A slash? “Come on ref!” A head contact call? “They’re just playing hard!”

But here’s the truth: if you don’t want penalties called, then teach your players not to commit them.

(Most) Referees aren’t calling penalties because they love blowing the whistle. They’re calling penalties because a rule was broken, and their job is to keep the game safe, fair, and under control.

“Let the kids play” only makes sense in a fantasy world where no one ever gets hurt, no one loses their temper, and every player has the same level of skill and discipline. But in reality, games spiral out of control when rules aren’t enforced. Dangerous behaviour goes unchecked.

Cheap shots escalate. Injuries happen. And ironically, the same people yelling “let them play” are often the first to scream for a call when their kid ends up on the receiving end of something dirty.

What this phrase really shows is a lack of accountability. The kids aren’t being taught to own their actions. The coaches aren’t reinforcing discipline. The parents aren’t modeling good behaviour. And the officials get thrown under the bus for simply doing their jobs.

“The Refs Decided the Outcome of That Game!”

Now we’re deep into deflection territory.

Blaming referees for the outcome of a game is the ultimate way to avoid responsibility. It suggests that nothing else in the game mattered—not the missed open net, the defensive breakdowns, the 15 minutes of lazy backchecking, or the two power plays that went 0-for-2.

Just the calls.

Yes, sometimes referees miss calls. They’re human. But over the course of a season, the missed calls and questionable decisions usually balance out. They’re not deciding games—they’re enforcing rules. The players decide games. Coaches decide games. Teams decide games.

When you focus on the officiating more than your own performance, you're teaching the next generation that it’s okay to point fingers instead of looking in the mirror. That’s not the lesson we want young athletes to learn.

What These Phrases Really Represent

At their core, all these statements—"Hey ref!", "Let them play!", "You cost us the game!"—are attempts to shift blame. They’re loud, public declarations that say:“It’s not our fault. Someone else did this to us.”

They’re dangerous because they normalize poor behaviour. They make it seem okay to:

Berate referees doing a difficult job
Excuse illegal or dangerous play
Undermine accountability and discipline
Pass on a victim mentality to kids

In other words, they reflect poor sportsmanship, poor coaching, and poor parenting.

Poor Sportsmanship

Good sportsmanship means respecting the game, the rules, and the people who make it possible—including officials. It means recognizing that wins and losses come from effort, execution, and teamwork—not from blaming others.

When fans scream at refs, they create an environment where respect breaks down. Kids pick up on it. They see the adults in their lives disrespecting officials, and they learn to do the same. They start chirping at refs instead of focusing on their own game. That’s not competitive fire—that’s learned arrogance.

Good sportsmanship demands that you win with humility and lose with grace. These quotes represent neither.

Poor Coaching

A coach’s job isn’t just to draw up systems and yell on the bench—it’s to set a tone. The best coaches teach their players to control what they can: effort, attitude, preparation. They don’t waste time obsessing over what they can’t control—like refereeing.

Coaches who constantly argue calls or blame the outcome on the officials are sending the wrong message to their players. They’re creating a culture where excuses replace accountability. And that culture usually translates to bad habits on the ice—lazy penalties, missed assignments, emotional outbursts.

If a team keeps getting called for head contact or unsportsmanlike penalties or hitting from behind penalties or or or, that is ABSOLUTELY a coaching issue.

Great coaches use tough games and tough calls as teaching moments. They don’t throw tantrums—they lead.

Poor Parenting

Parents have more influence than they realize. Kids hear what you say in the car ride home. They see how you talk to other parents. They notice when you're screaming at the referees, rolling your eyes at every call, or storming out after a loss.

When you say things like “the ref cost us that game,” you’re robbing your child of a valuable opportunity: the chance to learn from adversity.

Maybe they needed to skate harder. Maybe they needed to keep their stick down. Maybe the team needed to be more disciplined. Those are lessons that build resilience and maturity. But if the message is always “you were cheated,” those lessons never land.

If your child is constantly arguing calls, throwing their hands in the air, taking the same types of penalties, or showing up the officials with their actions or words—and you don't address it—you need to seriously reassess your parenting philosophy. This past weekend I witnessed multiple players from a team beaver-tail-tapping their stick at the officials after the player-of-the-game presentations following a provincial semi-final loss. If your child does something like that and you don’t make it absolutely clear that it’s unacceptable and must never happen again, you’re missing a crucial opportunity to teach respect, accountability, and maturity. Worse, you’re teaching them that this behaviour is acceptable, that there are no consequences, and that they aren’t responsible for their actions or their performance.

You’re not protecting your kid by blaming the refs. You’re limiting their growth.

What Should We Say Instead?

If you really want to support your child, your team, and the integrity of the game, try these phrases instead:

“Keep working hard.”
“Let’s stay focused.”
“We’ve got to be more disciplined.”
“Let’s control what we can control.”

These aren’t just clichés. They’re mentality shapers. They help develop players who are accountable, respectful, and team-first. They remind everyone—players, coaches, and parents—that adversity is part of the game, and how you respond to it defines who you are.

Final Thoughts

Referees are not the enemy. In minor hockey, they’re low-paid workers who show up in cold rinks on their evenings and weekends to keep the game moving. Are they perfect? NO. But they’re essential. Without them, there is no game.

When we scream at them, belittle them, or suggest they’re “deciding games,” we’re creating a toxic environment. And we’re teaching our kids all the wrong things.

So the next time you're tempted to yell, “Hey ref, there’s two teams on the ice!”—ask yourself this:

Are you really asking for fairness? Or are you just upset that your team got caught breaking the rules?

Let’s hold ourselves to a higher standard—as parents, coaches, and players. Let’s model the kind of behaviour we want to see in our kids.

Because if we don’t, then we’re the ones who are really letting them down.

Ed Garinger is a seasoned hockey coach, mentor, and educator with over two decades of experience. A native of the Bruce Peninsula, he played minor and junior hockey before earning his BA and BEd from Nipissing University, where he also competed in varsity volleyball and extramural hockey.

Coaching since age 14, Ed has balanced his teaching career with an extensive coaching and development portfolio, working with players at all levels. He has coached in the Provincial Junior Hockey League, led youth and high school teams, and served as a learning facilitator for the OMHA. His experience includes elite programs like the OHL/OHF U15 and U16 camps, U17 Regional Camps, and Hockey Canada’s Skills Academy.

A Hockey Canada HP1-certified coach, USA Hockey-certified coach, and Chartered Professional Coach (ChPC), Ed is committed to ongoing professional development and continually seeks to expand his knowledge to better serve players and coaches. Now based in Orillia, he enjoys passing on his passion for hockey to the next generation.